Psalm 27

Over the past few weeks, I haven’t posted much on my blog.  I've had a lot going through my head and I haven’t really known how to express everything, not even one-on-one with my friends or teammates.  But I felt it was time to at least try and post something.  I have had a lot of fear over the past few weeks.  Not only am I getting very fearful and anxious as I await responses from grad schools about next year, I have also had a lot of fear about the future in general. 

I guess it all kind of started around New Year’s, which was a time of great reflection for me.  I thought back over 2013, how much had changed, where I had started and where I was at that moment.  And I thought through the next year.  How would 2014 be different?  (I know I wrote about this in my “The Holidays” post.)  But as I continued to think about it, I got more fearful.  Will I be different, a better person, by the end of 2014?  Will I grow or will things just continue to change?  Will I leave a positive influence on everyone I meet and interact with over this next year?  Will things be better than they are now, or have I already reached the peak of my life?  These are BIG questions that are VERY hard to answer. 

After a lot of processing, journaling, talking with friends, praying, and even some crying, I still don’t have many answers, if any.  But I was able to have some peace about it all as I read Psalm 27 today at church after it was referenced by a speaker.  I won’t go into all of the details of what went through my head and onto the 5 pages I wrote on in my journal during church, but, before including the Psalm below, I will just say that it really spoke to me, nearly bringing me to tears in the middle of the service.  It so clearly expresses not where I’m at, but where I want to be.  I've had a rough few weeks with a lot of questions and fears running through my head, but this Psalm restored some of my peace in not having answers or solutions to those.

Psalm 27:

“The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? 

  The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?

“When the wicked advance against me to devour me, 

it is my enemies and my foes who will stumble and fall.  

Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; 

though war break out against me, even then I will be confident.

“One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: 

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, 

to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.  

For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; 

he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.

“Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; 

at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy; 

I will sing and make music to the Lord. 

“Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; 

be merciful to me and answer me.  

My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”  

Your face, Lord, I will seek.  

Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; 

you have been my helper.  

Do not reject me or forsake, God my Savior.  

Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.  

Teach me your way, Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors.  

Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, 

for false witnesses rise up against me, spouting malicious accusations.

“I remain confident of this: 

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the Land of the Living.  

Wait for the Lord; 

be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

My final paragraph in my journal says this: “I want to be confident that your goodness is coming.  So I will continue to wait.  I will try to be strong, take heart, and wait for you.  But I have to be honest about my desire: do not delay.  Come quickly, and in great force.  Bring your goodness and mercy in such great amount that I will have no choice but to KNOW it is you.  And quickly as even more proof that it is you.  That is my prayer.  Psalm 27.  Amen.”